Rabbit Holes and Matrices

I was happy when my day-to-day experience of my consciousness was a string of thoughts going through my head. I have meditated, I have had a number spontaneous peak experiences and it is fair to say that I did not do very well with them. The experiences themselves were indescribably beautiful, but the contrast between that intensity of peace and connectedness and my mundane life was more than I could handle, so I shut them down. This disturbed me as well, but 5 minutes of bliss did not make me happier during the days or weeks in between where I had to live on the planet with all the unpleasantries of life…and there were many. It was more or less a survival tactic that allowed me to live in the world and to eventually feel connected to people, to work and to myself. I had a really good time for a decade and then it started again, not in the same way, but that state of consciousness is back. I watch my thoughts and I can sense the time/spaces in between. Sometimes I can reside there for brief periods and watch my thoughts arise. It makes me happy and unhappy at the same time.

I used to really respect and value transition times for their potential. The time between this and that - whatever I am transitioning from and to - is pure potential. I can create a whole new reality if Iwant.  I can reinvent myself; I can create anything I want just by holding the type of thoughts that motivate action. Then I started noticing that transitions are not just the events there is a transition from this week to the next, from day to the next, from this place to the next, from this moment to the next. Because there is a transition from this moment to the next, it means that I have access to PURE potential all the time. I spent last summer playing with thoughts, holding ideas and intentions for long periods of time, creating and recreating them to see what would happen and those ideas, situations and states of being did manifest. It was an experiment that helped me to understand what I have been doing in my ongoing reinvention of self, and seemingly opened the door to bigger things. Even if I had known what I would be teaching myself, I would have done it; but seriously, I should have guessed this would happen.   Selective awareness I guess.

So, here I am, anytime I stop to ‘think’ about it I am in full recognition of my access to pure creative potential between this moment and the next, between this thought and the next. All things are created in the time before thought and there is no difference between me and full potential. In those moments there is no “I” to speak of. There is no distinction between me, someone else or anything else. I am limitless … and then I flip back out, like a fish on the beach, flopping around, wondering what the hell I am supposed to do with that. I know I can do anything I want to do, but it seems to me that that sort of realization should come with a purpose or sense of purpose… or at least a fucking handbook. I guess I should have taken the blue pill.