Last year I had a pretty major existential crisis, and basically decided to drink more to keep myself grounded in my concrete life. It seemed to work. I think it was the alcohol, but it may have been a decision to avoid most of the spiritual aspects of my life and to not explore my consciousness. I keep being pulled and realized the last time this happened that I could control my experiences. I couldn't controlwhether or not I had them, but I could certainly make them stop when they started. Having a sense of control was good because the aftermath was usually awful.
The contrast between my spiritual/mystical experiences and everyday life was too serious. That experience of having answers but no questions, the feeling of absolute comfort and certainty that all is right with my life and the world, seeing the interconnectedness of everything, seeing light rather than people and recognizing them by a particular frequency or vibration, feeling complete peace, full potential and understanding on a level beyond words that everything is an energetic creation that we choose, not chance occurrences that happen to us.
These experiences go so far beyond words that everything I just wrote feels almost like a lie. I want to say the words describe the experience but they do not. These are the most beautiful and moving experiences I have ever had, and waking up from them (for me) has been like being pulled out of bed and thrown naked into a snow bank. The harsh reality of life, in contrast with the experience of full potential, has been too painful, so I chose to set that aside for a while. A beer after work and a glass of wine with dinner did the trick nicely, but lately (since spring) things have been changing. I am being pulled again.
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