Resistance is futile

I am reading journal entries from last summer, around the time I really started to accept that there were some things about my life that I could no longer deny, and around the time I got some help in dealing with my experience so I could come to terms with my self.

The themes so far are

1. Feeling okay and like I have things under control
2. Feeling like crap and as though I have no control
3. Feeling pretty good about my commitment and action to get things under control
4. Something happens to indicate that I have no control over what is happening
5. Feeling directionless, lost, generally quite useless, and feeling as though I am just taking up space on the planet.

I had spent a long time training myself and successfully practicing that life is what you make it and that thoughts manifest. I had a good life that started to fall to shit (in some respects) and I thought I could stop it. 6 months later I am knee-deep and only just realizing that I have no control over a good part of my life at this time. Every time I think I have control, I realize I have none. Perhaps it is time to accept that I have none. Perhaps I am being propelled down a path because I must go down the path.

I am clearly in a transition, a big one. I am struggling with a sense of urgency to do something and at the same time, I don't really know what to do. So, while I struggle wth focus and a sense of direction, I am also spending a lot of energy trying to stay neutral until I figure out what I want. Transitions are times of pure potential; it’s mind-boggling, but it is time to unboggle the mind. What’s the best way to maximize pure potential? Set goals! I set some. I set a bunch. I managed a few…the ones that only involved me…fitness goals and whatnot; others? Not even close, despite taking the steps, fruition never occurred. The only explanation I have is that they were not goals in sync with something about me. It seems to me that sometimes the plan is bigger than I can see and, when that is the case, resistance is futile.

The Process - Part I

Last year I had a pretty major existential crisis, and basically decided to drink more to keep myself grounded in my concrete life. It seemed to work. I think it was the alcohol, but it may have been a decision to avoid most of the spiritual aspects of my life and to not explore my consciousness. I keep being pulled and realized the last time this happened that I could control my experiences. I couldn't controlwhether or not I had them, but I could certainly make them stop when they started. Having a sense of control was good because the aftermath was usually awful. 

The contrast between my spiritual/mystical experiences and everyday life was too serious. That experience of having answers but no questions, the feeling of absolute comfort and certainty that all is right with my life and the world, seeing the interconnectedness of everything, seeing light rather than people and recognizing them by a particular frequency or vibration, feeling complete peace, full potential and understanding on a level beyond words that everything is an energetic creation that we choose, not chance occurrences that happen to us. 

These experiences go so far beyond words that everything I just wrote feels almost like a lie. I want to say the words describe the experience but they do not. These are the most beautiful and moving experiences I have ever had, and waking up from them (for me) has been like being pulled out of bed and thrown naked into a snow bank. The harsh reality of life, in contrast with the experience of full potential, has been too painful, so I chose to set that aside for a while. A beer after work and a glass of wine with dinner did the trick nicely, but lately (since spring) things have been changing. I am being pulled again.