Resistance is futile

I am reading journal entries from last summer, around the time I really started to accept that there were some things about my life that I could no longer deny, and around the time I got some help in dealing with my experience so I could come to terms with my self.

The themes so far are

1. Feeling okay and like I have things under control
2. Feeling like crap and as though I have no control
3. Feeling pretty good about my commitment and action to get things under control
4. Something happens to indicate that I have no control over what is happening
5. Feeling directionless, lost, generally quite useless, and feeling as though I am just taking up space on the planet.

I had spent a long time training myself and successfully practicing that life is what you make it and that thoughts manifest. I had a good life that started to fall to shit (in some respects) and I thought I could stop it. 6 months later I am knee-deep and only just realizing that I have no control over a good part of my life at this time. Every time I think I have control, I realize I have none. Perhaps it is time to accept that I have none. Perhaps I am being propelled down a path because I must go down the path.

I am clearly in a transition, a big one. I am struggling with a sense of urgency to do something and at the same time, I don't really know what to do. So, while I struggle wth focus and a sense of direction, I am also spending a lot of energy trying to stay neutral until I figure out what I want. Transitions are times of pure potential; it’s mind-boggling, but it is time to unboggle the mind. What’s the best way to maximize pure potential? Set goals! I set some. I set a bunch. I managed a few…the ones that only involved me…fitness goals and whatnot; others? Not even close, despite taking the steps, fruition never occurred. The only explanation I have is that they were not goals in sync with something about me. It seems to me that sometimes the plan is bigger than I can see and, when that is the case, resistance is futile.

Psychologists don't have it all figured out.

“Psychologists say we should have a number of major, long-range goals to have a healthy, fulfilling life. In addition, we need some medium-range goals with specific dates in mind for achieving them.” My questions for psychologists are these. “What’s the point? Accomplishment for accomplishment’s sake? If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, how would it matter what I have accomplished?” To say I don’t value my accomplishments would be a lie, but there is a sort of emptiness to them as well. I am one person on a planet of 7 billion other people. What’s the point? It’s not really my question, but that’s as close as I can get. My question is so much bigger than that, I don’t even know how to put it into words.

I work hard to pump money into my material existence and I am left with a lack of meaning. The pervasive question is “What’s the point?” This has been my question for a very long time. Although I thought I had figured out how to be happy, it seems that I am missing something. The question is still there. This is not a whiney helpless sort of “what’s the point?”, it is a true quest to discover why am I on the planet. I set goals, I have good accomplishments, I like my work, I have good support, great people and lots of love in my life, but I am still looking for something.

The above mentioned psychologists may have it figured out for most people, but there are some pretty significant cracks in the plan, into which I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen. Who are the guides for the rest of us?