The Process - Part II

In the spring of 1991 I wrote that "long-term illness signalled the beginning of my identity crisis. I am not this body. I am not what I do. I no longer identify myself with my occupation. Being ill meant ‘doing’ nothing, which lead to feeling useless which translated as “I have no value”. What exactly is it that has no value? Of what importance is ‘doing‘? I can’t ‘do’ all the time. Do I lose my value during those times?”

It’s funny how things come full circle. I am at a very similar time in my life. Though this is more of an existential crisis than an identity crisis, some of the questions remain. Where does a sense of value come from? What am I supposed to do? I have been relatively inactive for a while now, hoping that I will find my inspiration somewhere, but I haven’t, so that leads me to believe that I need to do something. However, just keeping busy is not very satisfying. I would like to at least have a sense that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, or heading the right direction. When that happens things feel right, opportunities arise, things fall into place and flow smoothly. That does not seem to be happening right now.

Psychologists don't have it all figured out.

“Psychologists say we should have a number of major, long-range goals to have a healthy, fulfilling life. In addition, we need some medium-range goals with specific dates in mind for achieving them.” My questions for psychologists are these. “What’s the point? Accomplishment for accomplishment’s sake? If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, how would it matter what I have accomplished?” To say I don’t value my accomplishments would be a lie, but there is a sort of emptiness to them as well. I am one person on a planet of 7 billion other people. What’s the point? It’s not really my question, but that’s as close as I can get. My question is so much bigger than that, I don’t even know how to put it into words.

I work hard to pump money into my material existence and I am left with a lack of meaning. The pervasive question is “What’s the point?” This has been my question for a very long time. Although I thought I had figured out how to be happy, it seems that I am missing something. The question is still there. This is not a whiney helpless sort of “what’s the point?”, it is a true quest to discover why am I on the planet. I set goals, I have good accomplishments, I like my work, I have good support, great people and lots of love in my life, but I am still looking for something.

The above mentioned psychologists may have it figured out for most people, but there are some pretty significant cracks in the plan, into which I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen. Who are the guides for the rest of us?