Resistance and Integration

I regularly experience resistance, as I am sure we all do. I regularly find myself in or put myself in  challenging situations, so I have fairly well developed skills in managing change, but managing change in day-to-day life is not (at least to me) the same as managing fundamental changes in myself. I can recognize change (at least after a while), but I naturally compartmentalize. Integrating different aspects of myself into a unified whole so that I can, for instance, be known by different people as basically the same person is a challenge. It requires a deliberate act to introduce different aspects of my character to people who may be unaware of what that particular self does in the world, how she thinks, or the types of relationships she prefers. I find myself outside of my comfort zone almost every day. It would certainly be easier to be just one me, but I find that older relationships seem to expect an older version of me…or maybe an older version of me I need to stay the same, so the people who know that me get that me. I don’t exactly know for sure. But back to the point.

I don’t think I have much resistance to changing, but integrating the changes? That certainly seems to be another story. The idea of doing so creates a lot of tension. It seems to me that the tension comes from not being true to myself, and this is a huge energy drain. It’s no wonder I have not been as energetic as I usually am. At the beginning of the summer I set out to integrate. I didn’t know what I was getting into at the time, but it is becoming clearer. I basically need to out myself.

　

Balance and Change

It has been a while since I last posted. I have no excuse except to say that I feel as though I have been in a time warp. I seems to me that many things are not as they appear to be and I find the mental energy required to get through a day leaves me with little left for other things. I think I am processing and will find some balance, but I am not quite sure what balance is these days.

There have been a couple of minor incidents of late that have got me to thinking on the recurring theme of balance - physical, mental or psychological. I could probably include spiritual balance there too, but I am not sure where I am going with this yet. One of those incidents was receiving a message from a friend who is stressed out about a convergence of things that is creating some shit in her life. All I could think to do was to reassure her that shit happens and will pass, and to remind her to breathe. If I am not breathing well, then I am tense. Tension = rigidity and rigidity keeps everything exactly as it is...which is the opposite of what I want.  Perhaps breathing is the key. There are yogis all over the world saying, “Duh!”, (if in fact yogis would do that), but I had just never really thought if it that way until I said it. I know it; and I do it, but I had never really thought about it.

This led me to the thought that it is virtually impossible for me to sustain physical balance when I am inflexible, and then I had the thought that balance occurs in a state of change. I say it was a thought, but that seems small. If I say it was a flash of insight, it’s probably more accurate, but it sounds a little out there. Maybe it’s just a realization. Anyway, I get these a lot and then they are gone. I am not sure if I fully understand them, if they change me in any way, or even if they even make sense because I rarely articulate them.

Back to balance. Of course it can be more complex than just the balance between opposites, but this is the one that interests me today. Does imbalance = rigidity? If we stay within our comfort zones, can we also be in balance? When I am within my comfort zone I feel good for a while. When I have that feeling, it seems to me that it is a feeling of balance.

Then I get a feeling of disquiet, be it boredom or restlessness, and I want to change something, start a new project, meet some new people etc. Then I get a little stressed out trying to pay attention to the things that are important, and eventually find “balance” again with whatever new element I have incorporated into my life. Basically, at this point I am re-establishing my comfort zone. If that is the case then I have suddenly equated balance with comfort, which might be a mistake.

What if the comfort zone is not balance? We can only change and grow when we move outside of our comfort zones and try new things. If you consider any two extremes there is a point between them where you find balance - the location of a fulcrum to stabilize a lever or the “middle ground” in a negotiation. If we accept that this is true, don’t we also have to accept that a personal state of balance is to live on the edge of our comfort zones - right on the line where old and comfortable merges with new and exciting (or frightening, depending on your view of things)? If this is the case, as it seems to be, then balance is embodied in change and growth. I think I am getting closer to finding the point where the transition occurs. I think the swings of the pendulum are less extreme than they use to be. 

Seeking Creates Duality

Reminder: Seeking creates duality. What comes into being is a state of not having versus having. How do I find without seeking? The full realm of potential exists in each moment, so I accept that it already exists and I explore it as fully and consciously as I can. This, in the past, has led to some painful awakenings about myself and the state of my life. There has been some clear and painful contrast between the life I have and the life I want, and I have had to come to terms with these. But there has been clear progression.

Coming to terms with things can be a challenge. It seems to me that it begins with acceptance. When I cannot accept what is, I live in a state of denial, which is that old duality thing again. This can

I cannot always feel the painful heaviness I carry. If I cannot feel it, then does it exist? There are certain things I can do, certain states of mind that bring it about. I have been avoiding them. Knowing I limit myself to my comfort zone bothers me, so I poke around and try to get a sense of the parameters while I discover how to access it and prepare myself psychologically to deal it. More duality; comfort zone versus clearly NOT comfort zone. How do I deal with that? Do I need to find acceptance of this thing that makes me feel everything at once? This THING which is clearly separate from ME. How does that work? I have created so many other conditions of my life, by conscious choice. I understand free will and how it works, whether I am paying attention or not. So here is this Thing. What state of mind was I in when I created it and then hid it away, so I would only be able to see it peripherally under very specific circumstances? And why? What purpose does it serve and of what purpose is its concealment? I did not do it on purpose. It is certainly pre-Purpose. ’t be real because I want it to be xyz, so I will convince myself it IS xyz.