Mindfulness in action

I wrote this a year ago, today.  Clearly I was sending a message to a future self -  a self that really needs this right now.  It's funny how that happens.

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To start, I don't think what I am going to say replaces the mindfulness practice that takes place whenwhen you are sitting and paying attention to your breath and what is. There’s a certain quality to that approach that separates the self from body, thought, aches, pains and other distractions, that I am not sure the mindfulness-in-action approach does. Having that awareness is invaluable, and I am quite sure I have not finished discovering how much so. There is something there that I need again, that I have not really had since I gave it up(the formal practice), so I am trying to figure out what I need to do to get back into it. In my attempts I have been able to access both a comfortable and an uncomfortable familiarity, and I have begun to realize that I am going to need to make a lifestyle change. I am not sure what it will involve, but I sense that it will be considerable and is best done gradually. So, one step at a time….but I digress.

I understand the frustration of feeling unfocussed, of my mind racing, of riding the wave of a thought, ending up somewhere else and saying, “Shit. I did it again.” I know what it feels like to be at the beginning (again) and to question the value, to wonder if it is worth the effort, pain and frustration, but I can recognize that they are just thoughts. I have a knowledge that runs deeper than that, experience of how it goes and how much is not real. It’s almost impossible to remember when I am tired, my knees hurt, I have defeated myself by slouching, but I know that there is no failure in trying and that the success is actually in the realization of “Shit, I did it again.” It is really not about how many times I get lost in thought; what is important is how many times I return to the point of focus. More is better. It’s skill development, which can’t happen if I don’t make mistakes. It can be frustrating, but it’s easier when I shift my attention to what’s important - whatever I have selected as my point of focus, instead of dwelling on the mistakes. “Oh, there it is again” works much better than “Shit!….” Sometimes I do okay, and sometimes it’s just another stupid thing to be mindful of.



　

Growing Happiness

It seems to me that being true to oneself is a requirement…or perhaps the requirement to living happiness. I can see that there are aspects of my life that are not an accurate representation of myself and where creative expression does not seem possible or where the creative expression I manage is not satisfying, and in these areas I am dissatisfied. There’s a lot of good, but also a lot of dissatisfaction, which leads to tension, which leads to breathing poorly, which leads to limited thinking, which leads to feeling stuck, which breeds more dissatisfaction.  Thoughts reflect the breath and vice versa. (shallow breathing = lack of focus and stressful thoughts, while deep breathing = grounded, calm thoughts) My breathing reflects my thought, but by consciously changing by breathing I can change the way I think, so I do things that change my breathing - fitness activities mostly, but sometimes breathing exercises too. Without that I fear that I would find no space for possibility, and without possibility I, quite literally, do not want to live.

So, I can keep myself in possibility (for the most part) but it’s time to grow some happiness again. I am very focussed on the things in my life that need to change, and things are happening slowly, as they probably should, but I am impatient and in need of some measurable progress.

Balance and Change

It has been a while since I last posted. I have no excuse except to say that I feel as though I have been in a time warp. I seems to me that many things are not as they appear to be and I find the mental energy required to get through a day leaves me with little left for other things. I think I am processing and will find some balance, but I am not quite sure what balance is these days.

There have been a couple of minor incidents of late that have got me to thinking on the recurring theme of balance - physical, mental or psychological. I could probably include spiritual balance there too, but I am not sure where I am going with this yet. One of those incidents was receiving a message from a friend who is stressed out about a convergence of things that is creating some shit in her life. All I could think to do was to reassure her that shit happens and will pass, and to remind her to breathe. If I am not breathing well, then I am tense. Tension = rigidity and rigidity keeps everything exactly as it is...which is the opposite of what I want.  Perhaps breathing is the key. There are yogis all over the world saying, “Duh!”, (if in fact yogis would do that), but I had just never really thought if it that way until I said it. I know it; and I do it, but I had never really thought about it.

This led me to the thought that it is virtually impossible for me to sustain physical balance when I am inflexible, and then I had the thought that balance occurs in a state of change. I say it was a thought, but that seems small. If I say it was a flash of insight, it’s probably more accurate, but it sounds a little out there. Maybe it’s just a realization. Anyway, I get these a lot and then they are gone. I am not sure if I fully understand them, if they change me in any way, or even if they even make sense because I rarely articulate them.

Back to balance. Of course it can be more complex than just the balance between opposites, but this is the one that interests me today. Does imbalance = rigidity? If we stay within our comfort zones, can we also be in balance? When I am within my comfort zone I feel good for a while. When I have that feeling, it seems to me that it is a feeling of balance.

Then I get a feeling of disquiet, be it boredom or restlessness, and I want to change something, start a new project, meet some new people etc. Then I get a little stressed out trying to pay attention to the things that are important, and eventually find “balance” again with whatever new element I have incorporated into my life. Basically, at this point I am re-establishing my comfort zone. If that is the case then I have suddenly equated balance with comfort, which might be a mistake.

What if the comfort zone is not balance? We can only change and grow when we move outside of our comfort zones and try new things. If you consider any two extremes there is a point between them where you find balance - the location of a fulcrum to stabilize a lever or the “middle ground” in a negotiation. If we accept that this is true, don’t we also have to accept that a personal state of balance is to live on the edge of our comfort zones - right on the line where old and comfortable merges with new and exciting (or frightening, depending on your view of things)? If this is the case, as it seems to be, then balance is embodied in change and growth. I think I am getting closer to finding the point where the transition occurs. I think the swings of the pendulum are less extreme than they use to be.