Getting back to Now

Focus is all about right now, whether I am in meditation or concentrating on what I need to learn. I know I’m ‘doing it right’ when I have sense of peace and I lose track of time; it’s a feeling of doing the right thing at the right time where things flow, and I find the energy and insight to complete my task well.

I say ’doing it right’ because when I’m in the zone everything feels right, but in reality there is no right and wrong; there is, however, easy and hard. This would be an instance of ’easy’. ’Hard’ occurs when things don’t flow so well - when there are a lot of distractions that creep in and derail my efforts to accomplish something, be it a task or a state of mind. In this instance it’s a process of remembering what my intention is and returning to the task at hand…and sometimes not getting swept away in frustration. On these days success is measured by the number of times I return to the task, not necessarily in what I accomplish.

Getting back to now, it has not always been easy to see. I found myself wound up in my past and my future almost all of the time and had quite a challenge really understanding what now is. Even recently my perception changed again and I understand it in a way I didn't before. The implications of now runvery deep, and keep everything very simple.

Past and future only exist in the now through thoughts and memories. As I have realized the truth of this, I have also been able to see now expand from a fraction of an instant between past and future, to the space between breaths where life begins anew, and to the moment before thought where, from the infinite chaos of purest potential, a thought arises and is realized. In that moment before thought, we choose.  

Life is awe inspiring.

Mindfulness in action

I wrote this a year ago, today.  Clearly I was sending a message to a future self -  a self that really needs this right now.  It's funny how that happens.

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To start, I don't think what I am going to say replaces the mindfulness practice that takes place whenwhen you are sitting and paying attention to your breath and what is. There’s a certain quality to that approach that separates the self from body, thought, aches, pains and other distractions, that I am not sure the mindfulness-in-action approach does. Having that awareness is invaluable, and I am quite sure I have not finished discovering how much so. There is something there that I need again, that I have not really had since I gave it up(the formal practice), so I am trying to figure out what I need to do to get back into it. In my attempts I have been able to access both a comfortable and an uncomfortable familiarity, and I have begun to realize that I am going to need to make a lifestyle change. I am not sure what it will involve, but I sense that it will be considerable and is best done gradually. So, one step at a time….but I digress.

I understand the frustration of feeling unfocussed, of my mind racing, of riding the wave of a thought, ending up somewhere else and saying, “Shit. I did it again.” I know what it feels like to be at the beginning (again) and to question the value, to wonder if it is worth the effort, pain and frustration, but I can recognize that they are just thoughts. I have a knowledge that runs deeper than that, experience of how it goes and how much is not real. It’s almost impossible to remember when I am tired, my knees hurt, I have defeated myself by slouching, but I know that there is no failure in trying and that the success is actually in the realization of “Shit, I did it again.” It is really not about how many times I get lost in thought; what is important is how many times I return to the point of focus. More is better. It’s skill development, which can’t happen if I don’t make mistakes. It can be frustrating, but it’s easier when I shift my attention to what’s important - whatever I have selected as my point of focus, instead of dwelling on the mistakes. “Oh, there it is again” works much better than “Shit!….” Sometimes I do okay, and sometimes it’s just another stupid thing to be mindful of.



　

The Process - Part III

When I decided I was going to have a normal life, one of the things I wanted was to NOT do things out of fear. I remember recognizing that almost everything I did (and often didn't do) was out of fear.I wanted to get to a point where I could do things because I wanted to rather than because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. Realizing one of the mechanisms that leads to terminal dissatisfaction is a difficult thing to come to terms with, especially when you have no clue how to fix it. I can’t say exactly how it did it. It’s complicated, I think. There was a decision to do something about it, a lot of research on how successful people get what they want, trial and error, changes in attitude, a growing sense of control over my life and what happens to me, and then I would say that I had some momentum and things got a lot easier. 

Now in terms of my concrete life, I am very future-focused and in terms of myself I am very present focused. If I am okay now and I have what I need, then with a bit of focus, my future will fall into place. When I started reading what happy successful people had to say about happiness and success, I remember thinking that there had to be some luck too. “How could all of that good stuff happen to one person when so many others live with so much shit everyday? A person like that has to have a golden horseshoe up their ass. Things don’t just happen because you want them to!”

Well, actually, they do...but, it seems, you need to be doing what's right for yourself...and it’s not just desire that makes it happen; it’s a certain kind of desire, maybe a true desire. There is the type of desire that is more like a wish. It occupies your thoughts, it may involve a high degree of chance (like winning the lottery), and you basically sit on your ass…and by this I mean specifically doing nothing that leads in the direction of the thing you want. The other type of desire is a combination of drive and planning. You may not know how to get from point A to point B, but you can see a few steps, so you take them. As you take the steps, you see more, you start to experience the benefits of making positive change and you are encouraged to move forward. Granted this assumes that you do not have an intense fear of success. In this case, smaller early successes will trigger the imagination to the larger successes to come and you will probably either shut down, or fabricate unnecessary obstacles. I know this from experience. I do everything the hard way. Not so much anymore, but I still see it from time to time.

Right Thought

I used to think I could cork the energy drains of my life by focussing on what I have that is good and right in my life. Although this skill has been very important in helping me feel good on a day-to-day basis, and it has helped me change my entire outlook on life, and probably my brain chemistry as well… there is more to it than that. Focussing on what is going well certainly helps invite other things to go well, but there’s a whole lot to be said for underlying beliefs about oneself and one’s life - things that lie so deep you might not even be aware that they exist.

I have been taking stock of a couple of different aspects of my life. First, work has not gone the way that I had planned. I had gotten pretty far along with the plan and then it got derailed. The derailment makes no sense and came out of the blue and has left me wondering what I did to make that happen. It is likely that I did nothing. It seems quite likely that there’s still something I need to deal with - that I am not quite ready to have what I want - that obtaining what I have worked toward would create a rift between who I think I am / what I think I am capable of and who I really am / what I am really capable of. I sense that I am holding myself back, but I can’t quite see the mechanism by which I do it. My emotional reactions in a couple of situations have certainly governed my behaviour, so this is a good place to start in terms of figuring out what is going on.

Next, it has become very clear to me that is has no been safe for me to be who I am and to express my true self in my family. That is probably why I was so eager to get away when I was younger. There is nothing like the freedom of a new context to become a new person. So, here I am, many years later, and I have realized that the context I have created for myself is really good. I have adopted new people as my family, been equally adopted by them and I have build a context of love and support that I have sought for a very long time. It is still a work in progress, but there are no fundamental flaws in what I have.

Finally, my relationship is certainly not flawless, but I have someone who seems very responsive to me. The clearer I get with myself about what I want the more she comes to embody those characteristics or support me. I haven’t even said much out loud because there are things I am not ready to deal with in my current state of mind, but things are going well. There is a direct relationship between the life I am choosing and the changes occurring at home. It’s interesting to watch.

I am very aware that the entire realm of possibility exists right now and that I choose what will exist by how I think. There are some things I need to deal with but to do so now, with the wrong focus, would most likely bring the wrong outcome. There is more to it than the “power of positive thinking”; that’s a very superficial way of looking at it. A lot of mindfulness is required in order to identify and address the subtle. I can concoct all positive thoughts I want, but if I feel like crap and am preoccupied or worried about things, it’s the preoccupations and worries that will manifest. I have experienced the Buddhist concept of right thought, it a whole new light.

From reaction to action

I wrote this a while ago, but it has recurring relevance. Periodically, life seems out of sync and things don’t go the way I want or expect. Getting back on track is not rocket science, but it seems that I need reminders from time to time. I enjoy finding notes from what seems like both a past self and a future self. I have memories and at the same time I am not there yet…

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If you focus your energy on what you want, you will get it. That is not to say that there are no things beyond our control: things certainly happen in our lives and to other people that can affect us deeply. Focus on what you want that is directly within our realm of influence. As you do this, you will realize how big your realm of influence is.

Make a list of what you want - even little things. The list will change and evolve over time because it is an organic process. For each item, make a list of the things you need to do and perhaps the things you need to do to do those things - overcoming obstacles, learning new things, etc.

Then live your day focused on what you want.　 It's like business. All efforts need to be focused toward business goals or the energy is wasted.

If you feel like you are spinning, you will stop. Your sense of direction will pull you to where you need to be; just focus… and when you catch yourself unfocused, just re-focus. It's skill development. Don't kick yourself for fucking it up, just go back to it. You can't do it wrong, just re-focus and in so doing you move from a reactive state to an active state.