Living V. Being Alive

Since I was a kid I have thought a lot about living versus having a life, or living versus being truly alive. I think my earliest memory of this an articulated thought was at around 12, when I realized my father was sort of living dead (no offence Dad; I found my peace). Walking around, seemingly alert, yet virtually (if not completely) disengaged from life and the things that bring life, such as joy and love. Zombies are cool now but, still, I imagine that being a zombie is not such great gig.

Anyway, in revisiting unfinished business on yet another level, I have come to realize that I am trying to learn how to be alive. In what I will now refer to as my life as a material girl (fun, yet seriously) I though I had it figured out. Set objectives, plan the work and work the plan. (I could probably write Getting Things Done for dummies… or for procrastinators, as the case may be….Or maybe Planning for Perpetual Dreamers.) I was figuring it out, I was building a career, I took some nice vacations, I was having a good time, and then it started again. The thoughts of there being more to life that stuff. Certainly there is more to life than stuff. Pride in accomplishment is important, finding work that you like is crucial, but glimpses of emptiness started making me anxious. SERIOUSLY anxious! Like the kind of anxious you get when you look at the decisions you made a decade ago, you realize the chain of events that led you to where you are and you think, “Oh Fuck! Now what?!” Not that I had made bad decisions (thankfully), but when I made them, I didn’t know I would flash back this self that wants fulfillment on an (as yet) incomprehensible level. I thought I had found what I was looking for. I had good relationships, good work, love and fun. What else is there? Almost everybody I know is, or seems to be, satisfied with that. There is no yearning beyond that…at least for them. For me, it seems that there is another level to fulfillment that I don’t yet understand. I have often thought that I over-complicate things and that life is simple if I make it so. After much effort, and a good period of time where I had myself convinced, it is clear to me that there is more. Although some appreciate where I am coming from, I think few really get me. I thought I had succeeded in becoming a normal person, but once again I find myself well outside the norm.

I wish to feel alive, as I once did as a material girl…only probably better. I am going through the motions of life, but it’s tiring in a way that living a lie can be. I sense that fulfillment will be found when I wake up to something I am currently too afraid to admit to myself; I don’t know for sure, but it’s a strong feeling. I am no stranger to change / transition. I have woken up to things before, let things go, suffered loss and moved forward knowing that the next version of myself would be a better one… but this particular realization is elusive. Perhaps I am not yet ready, or perhaps I don’t yet see how I get in my own way.

Energy Part 3

Energy flows. That’s just what it does. I have learned that if it is not flowing, it is because I have created barriers. Like water, it will move around obstacles, find the cracks or build up pressure until something pops and when the pressure builds up, it can get pretty painful.

Energy flows. This, I think, has become one of the guiding principles of my life. Learning how to leave it alone/get out of the way was/is quite a challenge because I have to understand everything. I always have to know why…which is probably making my life more difficult than it needs to be, but perhaps I will figure out how to simplify that later. The point is how to leave it alone and let it be. There’s not dealing with things and then there’s letting them be. Things are what they are for a reason and when I can respect that it becomes a lot easier for me to change my reactions, my perceptions and my focus. Doing that involves some respect, patience, a lot of compassion - three plates that are not always spinning at the same time…and by ‘not always’ I mean rarely.

From reaction to action

I wrote this a while ago, but it has recurring relevance. Periodically, life seems out of sync and things don’t go the way I want or expect. Getting back on track is not rocket science, but it seems that I need reminders from time to time. I enjoy finding notes from what seems like both a past self and a future self. I have memories and at the same time I am not there yet…

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If you focus your energy on what you want, you will get it. That is not to say that there are no things beyond our control: things certainly happen in our lives and to other people that can affect us deeply. Focus on what you want that is directly within our realm of influence. As you do this, you will realize how big your realm of influence is.

Make a list of what you want - even little things. The list will change and evolve over time because it is an organic process. For each item, make a list of the things you need to do and perhaps the things you need to do to do those things - overcoming obstacles, learning new things, etc.

Then live your day focused on what you want.　 It's like business. All efforts need to be focused toward business goals or the energy is wasted.

If you feel like you are spinning, you will stop. Your sense of direction will pull you to where you need to be; just focus… and when you catch yourself unfocused, just re-focus. It's skill development. Don't kick yourself for fucking it up, just go back to it. You can't do it wrong, just re-focus and in so doing you move from a reactive state to an active state.