Energy Part 3

Energy flows. That’s just what it does. I have learned that if it is not flowing, it is because I have created barriers. Like water, it will move around obstacles, find the cracks or build up pressure until something pops and when the pressure builds up, it can get pretty painful.

Energy flows. This, I think, has become one of the guiding principles of my life. Learning how to leave it alone/get out of the way was/is quite a challenge because I have to understand everything. I always have to know why…which is probably making my life more difficult than it needs to be, but perhaps I will figure out how to simplify that later. The point is how to leave it alone and let it be. There’s not dealing with things and then there’s letting them be. Things are what they are for a reason and when I can respect that it becomes a lot easier for me to change my reactions, my perceptions and my focus. Doing that involves some respect, patience, a lot of compassion - three plates that are not always spinning at the same time…and by ‘not always’ I mean rarely.

Energy Part 2

This spring I was quite drained. The main cells were charged, but the day-to-day cells were consistently empty. I can do this for a while, but I will run into trouble if I keep it up. Fortunately the sun came out a couple of weeks ago and we had some glimpses of summer. Now I have more energy than I know what to do with, and I have to find an outlet. I have started cycling more. I set an objective of 2500km for the season and, even with all the rain and sometimes wind, I am on track to meet my target. I also hope to do some hiking, but I also need a project. My contract ended almost three weeks ago and I have not found something to replace it. I oscillate between wanting the time off and wanting to work. I certainly have the energy to work, so I guess I should get out there and find something. If , when I find something I decide I need more time, I can negotiate my start date. They need to staff the job I had, and I am being considered for it, but time will tell. I would really like for that to happen, but there are not guarantees. I would like a guarantee for a change….

Energy is a funny thing. When I have a lot of it and no obligations, it eats away at me to varying degrees. I work at physical expression, creative expression, career development and trust, but it’s pretty rare that I have all the plates spinning at the same time. I put a lot of energy into keeping the plates spinning. Maybe everybody does. I have realized (again?) in the last week or so, that I really don’t know what life is like for other people. I only ever see the surface…events, activities, disruptions, challenges…. But what goes on under the surface actions, reactions and emotions. Sometimes I feel like the only person who wants to know about that. I am sure I am not, and I can take an educated guess as to why I think that, but for now it is my reality. My questions are sometimes about how I feel and why, but more often my questions are about who I am, why my life seems to be a completely different life when something I perceive as negative happens to me. I wonder why sometimes it affects me deeply enough that, although I remember my ‘other life’, I have not deep connection with it, while other times those events are little more than a ripple on the pond.

I know how to get my other life back; I know how I developed it in the first place, and I know how I maintain it, so I am not worried. However painful this is now - walking the line between functional and not quite depressed - I find myself trying to stay in it, rather than transform it. I keep sensing that I have unfinished business. This is an older self. I wonder if there is something here for me to find. I am also wondering if I need some help. Keep wondering and I keep not looking. I am not willing to make random enquiries, but perhaps if I ask around I can find someone suitable…