Getting back to Now

Focus is all about right now, whether I am in meditation or concentrating on what I need to learn. I know I’m ‘doing it right’ when I have sense of peace and I lose track of time; it’s a feeling of doing the right thing at the right time where things flow, and I find the energy and insight to complete my task well.

I say ’doing it right’ because when I’m in the zone everything feels right, but in reality there is no right and wrong; there is, however, easy and hard. This would be an instance of ’easy’. ’Hard’ occurs when things don’t flow so well - when there are a lot of distractions that creep in and derail my efforts to accomplish something, be it a task or a state of mind. In this instance it’s a process of remembering what my intention is and returning to the task at hand…and sometimes not getting swept away in frustration. On these days success is measured by the number of times I return to the task, not necessarily in what I accomplish.

Getting back to now, it has not always been easy to see. I found myself wound up in my past and my future almost all of the time and had quite a challenge really understanding what now is. Even recently my perception changed again and I understand it in a way I didn't before. The implications of now runvery deep, and keep everything very simple.

Past and future only exist in the now through thoughts and memories. As I have realized the truth of this, I have also been able to see now expand from a fraction of an instant between past and future, to the space between breaths where life begins anew, and to the moment before thought where, from the infinite chaos of purest potential, a thought arises and is realized. In that moment before thought, we choose.  

Life is awe inspiring.

Is it all illusion?

The material world does not exist. How many times have I read that? How many times have I heard that? How many times have I not understood that? Of course it exists! Didn’t I slip on last two stairs of my apartment and hit the door? The stairs seem pretty real, as does the door! Did I just take an non-existent elevator to a non-existent job? No, of course not!

Today I think I got it.  If I function on a concrete material level, then that's all there is. Life happens, things happen to me. C'est la vie, blah blah blah. I don't do that very much any more.

The material is just a manifestation of our thoughts. I’ve heard it; I’ve read it, but the more time I spend with my own thoughts, the more I understand the reality of that and how it works. The more I clarify my thoughts and think deliberately, the more I see the creative relationship of energy and substance and the more time I spend, and want to spend engaged in that way. I go to work to the job I imagined for myself, the stairs I wiped out on are my stairs because I saw that apartment and decided I would live there long before it was available; I earn the salary I expected to earn. I was aware of the thoughts I had about these things before I obtained them and then suddenly they were mine.

It seems to me that the material world does exist, but not as pre-established forms or events that happen to us. It should not be taken so seriously! It is not what it seems!

I know nothing

I gave up the formal practice of mindfulness to have a 'normal' life.   I learned how to socially engage. I learned how to emotionally engage. I learned that life, as it is, is a combination of little things and that my thoughts and actions now build tomorrow. I know how it works and I can see it in action from day-to-day. It’s a power over my life that I once thought would be magical. Now I have it, it is growing; I see the mechanism, and it is clearly not magic, but it feels like magic still. Insight meditation has changed how I live. Although I gave it up in a formal sense, it permeates my life and is far from gone.

I am clearly being drawn back to a formal practice, perhaps because I have accomplished what I set out to do, and it is simply time to return. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am putting up a lot of resistance. I can focus. I do it from time to time to prove to myself that I can do it, but I don't, as a rule, adopt the sort of focus/commitment it requires. I chose a different path because I was not able to address emotional issues through this process. Now I know that it is possible and that I did not have the right teacher, but the resistance is still there. I ‘think’ I don’t want to give up what I have. I ‘think’ I believe that a formal practice will not enrich my life, but change it back to what it was. I ‘think’ that taking this road will force me to renege on some commitments I have made. I ‘think’ it will change me enough that I will no longer fit into this life that I like and that I spent a lot of time and energy creating. I think a lot, but I know nothing.


My life right now is as good as I thought it could get, and in some ways it is better
 ….and I didn’t really know I could do it. Through trial an error, and collecting little bits of wisdom, I figured it out. I was determined to figure it out, but determination hadn’t gotten me much when I set out on this path, so I don‘t think I really knew I would figure it out. Maybe that‘s why it feels like magic, and sometimes I am truly stunned. Perhaps I need to come to terms with this first.