Right Thought

I used to think I could cork the energy drains of my life by focussing on what I have that is good and right in my life. Although this skill has been very important in helping me feel good on a day-to-day basis, and it has helped me change my entire outlook on life, and probably my brain chemistry as well… there is more to it than that. Focussing on what is going well certainly helps invite other things to go well, but there’s a whole lot to be said for underlying beliefs about oneself and one’s life - things that lie so deep you might not even be aware that they exist.

I have been taking stock of a couple of different aspects of my life. First, work has not gone the way that I had planned. I had gotten pretty far along with the plan and then it got derailed. The derailment makes no sense and came out of the blue and has left me wondering what I did to make that happen. It is likely that I did nothing. It seems quite likely that there’s still something I need to deal with - that I am not quite ready to have what I want - that obtaining what I have worked toward would create a rift between who I think I am / what I think I am capable of and who I really am / what I am really capable of. I sense that I am holding myself back, but I can’t quite see the mechanism by which I do it. My emotional reactions in a couple of situations have certainly governed my behaviour, so this is a good place to start in terms of figuring out what is going on.

Next, it has become very clear to me that is has no been safe for me to be who I am and to express my true self in my family. That is probably why I was so eager to get away when I was younger. There is nothing like the freedom of a new context to become a new person. So, here I am, many years later, and I have realized that the context I have created for myself is really good. I have adopted new people as my family, been equally adopted by them and I have build a context of love and support that I have sought for a very long time. It is still a work in progress, but there are no fundamental flaws in what I have.

Finally, my relationship is certainly not flawless, but I have someone who seems very responsive to me. The clearer I get with myself about what I want the more she comes to embody those characteristics or support me. I haven’t even said much out loud because there are things I am not ready to deal with in my current state of mind, but things are going well. There is a direct relationship between the life I am choosing and the changes occurring at home. It’s interesting to watch.

I am very aware that the entire realm of possibility exists right now and that I choose what will exist by how I think. There are some things I need to deal with but to do so now, with the wrong focus, would most likely bring the wrong outcome. There is more to it than the “power of positive thinking”; that’s a very superficial way of looking at it. A lot of mindfulness is required in order to identify and address the subtle. I can concoct all positive thoughts I want, but if I feel like crap and am preoccupied or worried about things, it’s the preoccupations and worries that will manifest. I have experienced the Buddhist concept of right thought, it a whole new light.

Virtually unruffled

A few weeks ago I lost my job. Not that it is really lost; I know exactly where it is. It’s just not mine anymore.

I was told on the Thursday, rather unceremoniously, that the Friday would be my last day. It sounds worse than it is in reality. It was the end of my contract. I was promised and short extension which would bridge the gap between the end of my contract employment and the beginning of my probable permanent employment. It seemed virtually flawless, but things never are, so here I wait for news one way or the other. The results of the interview have not been published yet and the variables are considerable, thus the quest begins anew. I am a little concerned that economic situation is not the best, but other people find work, so I will just have to be one of them.

A friend told me, when I shared the news, that she admires me. We are in a similar situation in terms of our skills and employment and she finds it quite something that I always manage to have something on the go, I have work when I need it and that my plan A is backed up with plan B and C. She also commented on my ability to overcome obstacles, to not be overcome with discouragement and that I always seem to know what to do. I would like to know more about what she perceives, but it seems simple to me. Putting all my eggs in one basket is NOT a good idea, so I don’t. I have to take care of myself because nobody else is going to do it. I keep suggesting to people that they take care of themselves first because when you don’t things get pretty fucked up. For me there are some things that are not negotiable. If there is something I need to do, I will do it. ‘How’ is somewhat negotiable, and I try to work out the space, particularly with the people in my life, but whether or not I do what I need to do is not negotiable at all…. And the perception of ‘need’ is not open for discussion either. It is my perception. I listen to what others say, particularly because they provide insight into what I have to give up in order to get what I need, but in the end the decision is mine, I don’t make them lightly, I live with my decisions and I apologize for my mistakes.

So, here I am, unemployed again, though I prefer to refer to it as ‘between contracts’ because unemployed always sounds to me like a mix of desperate and destitute. I have done this enough to know that I am neither. Anyway, that Thursday was a bit of a shock to the system. I felt fired. Fired is not a good feeling. But that was the end of the day and by lunch on Friday I had realized that it was not personal, that they still wanted me to fill the position and that this was a glitch. Communication obviously sucks there since both my manager and director looked duly whipped when apologizing to me, but I want the job anyway. I was not mistreated by anyone on my team; they were just the bearers of bad new and were as much surprised by it as I was.

Back to the aforementioned friend (SB) and how I always seem to land on my feet. She has not known me that long, but it has been true for the last 4 years or so. I went from feeling fired on Thursday to kind of sad on Friday to out of sorts on the weekend and then basically okay. I have had the feeling since Friday that this is no big deal. Part of me is upset and worried about the material things like paycheques and bill payments, but most of me is not really affected by this at all. I feel calm and after a short rest and some time to get my priorities in line, I will be back out there to make something happen for myself. The only doubt I have is governmental and budgetary. Perhaps it is going to be harder than I think. I don’t know if this is me understanding what is to come on a deeper level, or if it is a worry that just distracts me from what I need to do. I can’t really do anything about it, so will not focus on what I can do and move forward as if the economy is not an issue. If it turns out to be an issue, at least I will have done everything I could do.  Is this admirable? I just do what I need to do.