Sunday, November 27, 2011

Psychologists don't have it all figured out.

“Psychologists say we should have a number of major, long-range goals to have a healthy, fulfilling life. In addition, we need some medium-range goals with specific dates in mind for achieving them.” My questions for psychologists are these. “What’s the point? Accomplishment for accomplishment’s sake? If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, how would it matter what I have accomplished?” To say I don’t value my accomplishments would be a lie, but there is a sort of emptiness to them as well. I am one person on a planet of 7 billion other people. What’s the point? It’s not really my question, but that’s as close as I can get. My question is so much bigger than that, I don’t even know how to put it into words.

I work hard to pump money into my material existence and I am left with a lack of meaning. The pervasive question is Whats the point? This has been my question for a very long time. Although I thought I had figured out how to be happy, it seems that I am missing something. The question is still there. This is not a whiney helpless sort of whats the point?, it is a true quest to discover why am I on the planet. I set goals, I have good accomplishments, I like my work, I have good support, great people and lots of love in my life, but I am still looking for something.

The above mentioned psychologists may have it figured out for most people, but there are some pretty significant cracks in the plan, into which I am sure I am not the only one who has fallen. Who are the guides for the rest of us?


Thursday, November 24, 2011


Mindfulness is a recurring theme in my life. For quite a while I have thought I was being drawn into formal practice, but now I am not so sure. I appreciate the peace that yoga and subsequent meditations bring, but even after a good 6 months of exploration, I am still dabbling. Sometimes I welcome a state of surrender and I feel good, sometimes I do not does not. I know enough about my self and my experience to know that thoughts are just thoughts - they are not reality. Reality exists apart from thought. I see it; I experience it and yet, it seems that I don’t know what to do with my knowledge / experience, perhaps because there is something I have not yet figured out. I don’t know.

Often I watch my thoughts spiral…sometimes up, sometimes out of control. I generally interfere and redirect before the crash and burn, but sometimes I can’t and the crash and burn is bad. Sometimes I can’t, I crash and burn and recover right away. It requires logic, discipline and focus to get myself back on track, but sometimes I can do it very quickly. It’s a bizarre state. It feels as though my brain is fucking with me. 25 minutes ago there was nothing good in my life, and that was my reality. Now I
feel okay and this seems real. I know on many levels that my thoughts are not reality, yet I do not know what exactly is real.