Mindfulness is a recurring theme in my life. For quite a while I have thought I was being drawn into formal practice, but now I am not so sure. I appreciate the peace that yoga and subsequent meditations bring, but even after a good 6 months of exploration, I am still dabbling. Sometimes I welcome a state of surrender and I feel good, sometimes I do not does not. I know enough about my self and my experience to know that thoughts are just thoughts - they are not reality. Reality exists apart from thought. I see it; I experience it and yet, it seems that I don’t know what to do with my knowledge / experience, perhaps because there is something I have not yet figured out. I don’t know.
Often I watch my thoughts spiral…sometimes up, sometimes out of control. I generally interfere and redirect before the crash and burn, but sometimes I can’t and the crash and burn is bad. Sometimes I can’t, I crash and burn and recover right away. It requires logic, discipline and focus to get myself back on track, but sometimes I can do it very quickly. It’s a bizarre state. It feels as though my brain is fucking with me. 25 minutes ago there was nothing good in my life, and that was my reality. Now I feel okay and this seems real. I know on many levels that my thoughts are not reality, yet I do not know what exactly is real.