Monday, July 4, 2011

Between impossible and rare

I need to talk more. It was actually a good 8 months ago that I realized that, but I guess I thought I could carry on and not really worry about it. The trouble is that when I realize something, I cant NOT deal with it. I can let it go for a while, find the right time etc., but all out ignoring it?no. I need to talk more. There are things I just dont talk about. From day-to-day I feel an incongruity; things are out of sync, and I feel my energy drain like water from a leaky bucket.

As my brain comes back to life for the summer, my emotions are difficult to control. Its not that I am moody, I just feel everything with such intensity that it can be difficult to handle and tiring, partly because I try to hide it. I sometimes feel over stimulated because there is so much going on around me that I notice. I am not sure its the sort of thing that people would really understand, even if I could explain it. 

The sort of misunderstandings that occur can be difficult. Some people listen carefully and apologize for not experiencing things in the same way and not really being able to relate. They are interested and engage on a meaningful level even though they dont really get it. I love these people. Others are harder to deal with. I guess its human nature to try to minimize the incomprehensible to something comprehensible and within our own realm of experience, but it is not helpful for me, and it is hard to tolerate. These are the people who seem to listen for a couple of key words, then they transplant those words into their own context and talk about their experience at length, as if it is the same as yours. Sometimes I just want to talk, but these people are impossible, …while the others are rare. Between impossible and rare, there are few opportunities for a good exploratory conversation.

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