Saturday, July 30, 2011
I am in transition these days. It’s a familiar state, but I find that this time I don’t know what to do. I have known for a while that I have some unfinished business, but I have not really been able to identify much of it, and what I have been able to identify I have been unable to process. As a result, the baggage is getting heavy. Emotions used to come and go; their ebb and flow imbuing me with life, but it seems that in the last little while some things have come and not gone making me heavier and less alive. I decided to look for a therapist. I have known that I should for quite a while but, in the past it has not been an easy process to find someone who knows how to get past talking ‘about’ things to get to the heart of the issue. I don’t know why after 10 years I can no longer do this on my own, but whatever. Maybe there’s something I am just not supposed to do on my own.
So, here I am, lacking a sense of my future self and wondering if that’s why I am stalled. I am also not really sure that I know who I am right now - another good reason to stall out. Have I not been paying attention? Has enough changed to totally disorient me? Is it just my way of telling myself to sort things out before moving ahead in the wrong direction?
Although the state of transition is familiar, I don’t really feel familiar. As much as there are things that I know about myself and I have confidence in my ability to figure things out, I feel as though I don’t really know who I am. My tendency used to be to look for familiar, but that is not only extremely difficult, it means stagnating. In my quest to feel more alive it didn’t really work. In the absence of the familiar, it is easier to reinvent myself. However, in order to do that, things need to change; which things are still to be determined, but there will be change, and with that comes pain. I don’t like it but it doesn’t scare me anymore. I used to think pain was destructive, but once I started paying more attention to the bigger picture, I realized that it was actually transformative. What worries me now is doing it wrong, making bad decisions. Whatever I change about myself will affect all of my relationships. It is not my desire to affect them badly.