Life is… a highway…a box of chocolates….a classroom…or whatever you make it.

I watched some of Oprah’s Life Class. Though it is often affirming, I don’t usually feel as though I am missing anything by not watching it. However, occasionally, she says something that helps me think about things a little differently; today it was the loss of my job. She mentioned getting fired and how it was the best thing that could have happened to her because that event pushed her in a different direction - direction she probably would not otherwise have gone.

Maybe my job loss is doing the same thing. It was my job; I was assured and reassured, and then I was out. Not only is it possible that it was a push, it is also possible that I caused it as surely as I created that job for myself in the first place. A few months before my surprising departure (due to budget constraints), I had decided that I would find a way to live an emotionally, physically and spiritually balanced life, that I would no longer deny my experience of the world as energetically interconnected and that I would actually explore it. I am sure that I could have done what I am doing now while working, but not as quickly. I wonder if there’s something I need to be ready for.

Domino Effect

It is my experience that when one thing in life changes, other things (and people) are forced to changed in some way. From this I have come to believe that change/growth is transition that causes a lot of pain and results in loss, and although I wonder if it really has to be that way, I cannot comprehend how it could be different. The most I can do at this point is suspect that it could be different and that my experience is not what everyone experiences.

This belief is part of what makes my current process, which I know is changing me on a fundamental level, so difficult. Though there are many things I want to change and am working toward, I don’t really want my life to change drastically. Particularly with regard to the people in my life that I hold dear, I am trying take it slowly so that I can make my decisions consciously as much as possible. My attitudes are changing and it is not my desire to keep quiet about it, but I do find myself holding back when I am among people whom I believe hold differing views, or whom I am quite certain, just won’t get me. This is not good for me. Though a harsh and controversial approach to communicating is not going to bode well, and I know I can be tactful, there is still risk involved. In some respects I feel like a bit of a square peg. My environment hasn’t changed, but I am no longer round.

Resistance and Integration

I regularly experience resistance, as I am sure we all do. I regularly find myself in or put myself in  challenging situations, so I have fairly well developed skills in managing change, but managing change in day-to-day life is not (at least to me) the same as managing fundamental changes in myself. I can recognize change (at least after a while), but I naturally compartmentalize. Integrating different aspects of myself into a unified whole so that I can, for instance, be known by different people as basically the same person is a challenge. It requires a deliberate act to introduce different aspects of my character to people who may be unaware of what that particular self does in the world, how she thinks, or the types of relationships she prefers. I find myself outside of my comfort zone almost every day. It would certainly be easier to be just one me, but I find that older relationships seem to expect an older version of me…or maybe an older version of me I need to stay the same, so the people who know that me get that me. I don’t exactly know for sure. But back to the point.

I don’t think I have much resistance to changing, but integrating the changes? That certainly seems to be another story. The idea of doing so creates a lot of tension. It seems to me that the tension comes from not being true to myself, and this is a huge energy drain. It’s no wonder I have not been as energetic as I usually am. At the beginning of the summer I set out to integrate. I didn’t know what I was getting into at the time, but it is becoming clearer. I basically need to out myself.

　

Balance and Change

It has been a while since I last posted. I have no excuse except to say that I feel as though I have been in a time warp. I seems to me that many things are not as they appear to be and I find the mental energy required to get through a day leaves me with little left for other things. I think I am processing and will find some balance, but I am not quite sure what balance is these days.

There have been a couple of minor incidents of late that have got me to thinking on the recurring theme of balance - physical, mental or psychological. I could probably include spiritual balance there too, but I am not sure where I am going with this yet. One of those incidents was receiving a message from a friend who is stressed out about a convergence of things that is creating some shit in her life. All I could think to do was to reassure her that shit happens and will pass, and to remind her to breathe. If I am not breathing well, then I am tense. Tension = rigidity and rigidity keeps everything exactly as it is...which is the opposite of what I want.  Perhaps breathing is the key. There are yogis all over the world saying, “Duh!”, (if in fact yogis would do that), but I had just never really thought if it that way until I said it. I know it; and I do it, but I had never really thought about it.

This led me to the thought that it is virtually impossible for me to sustain physical balance when I am inflexible, and then I had the thought that balance occurs in a state of change. I say it was a thought, but that seems small. If I say it was a flash of insight, it’s probably more accurate, but it sounds a little out there. Maybe it’s just a realization. Anyway, I get these a lot and then they are gone. I am not sure if I fully understand them, if they change me in any way, or even if they even make sense because I rarely articulate them.

Back to balance. Of course it can be more complex than just the balance between opposites, but this is the one that interests me today. Does imbalance = rigidity? If we stay within our comfort zones, can we also be in balance? When I am within my comfort zone I feel good for a while. When I have that feeling, it seems to me that it is a feeling of balance.

Then I get a feeling of disquiet, be it boredom or restlessness, and I want to change something, start a new project, meet some new people etc. Then I get a little stressed out trying to pay attention to the things that are important, and eventually find “balance” again with whatever new element I have incorporated into my life. Basically, at this point I am re-establishing my comfort zone. If that is the case then I have suddenly equated balance with comfort, which might be a mistake.

What if the comfort zone is not balance? We can only change and grow when we move outside of our comfort zones and try new things. If you consider any two extremes there is a point between them where you find balance - the location of a fulcrum to stabilize a lever or the “middle ground” in a negotiation. If we accept that this is true, don’t we also have to accept that a personal state of balance is to live on the edge of our comfort zones - right on the line where old and comfortable merges with new and exciting (or frightening, depending on your view of things)? If this is the case, as it seems to be, then balance is embodied in change and growth. I think I am getting closer to finding the point where the transition occurs. I think the swings of the pendulum are less extreme than they use to be. 

Living in a Box

Is it true that we can only accomplish what we find to be believable? Do we only try the things we think we can do?

What if we can do more? What if the mind can do more? What if we aren't limited to creating only what we can comprehend or think we deserve? It seems to me that there is more. I can feel it. There's something in the relationship between doing the right things and doing things right. Sometimes small acts have an exponentially large impact. There‘s not rationalizing it; it just happens… I don’t yet see how, but maybe I will see more about that later.

Failures hurt. Do they hurt because they hurt? Do they hurt because they cause damage?…or do they hurt because they cause change?

Maybe we imagine to the degree to which we can handle change.

Life à la carte

It seems to me that we create our lives in every respect. As disturbing as that can be, and as disturbing as that was for me, as it came with the awareness of a huge responsibility and a good dose of guilt, it is pretty incredible too. Once I got past seeing the burden, I started to get glimpses of the entire realm of possibility. It is life à la carte; I have figured out that I can have what I want, when I want it! The catch seems to be that some of the items are like lots at an auction. You get what you want but you also get some things you don’t want. Perhaps this is, in part, a function of not fully envisioning what I draw into my life, but often it seems to be part of whatever lesson I need to learn. It can be unpleasant, but growing pains are.

But, I digress. I think that one of the reasons it was, and still can be, such a challenge for me is that accepting the possibility that I can be different involves accepting change. I have gotten quite good at accepting change when things are shit, but when things are going well it is not so easy. Why would I bother when things are going well? Because I have to. Things change. Everything changes. Change is probably the only constant in life, and even when everything is going well, things change. Accepting the realm of possibility means allowing things to flow in and out of my life. Hanging on to something, even if it is something good, means

1. It hurts more when it goes away

2. I have not allowed my life to get even better, and

3. I have focused my energy on the small picture and have not prepared myself for the next (good) thing to happen.

Basically, in this state, change happens to me and loss falls into the range somewhere between painful and shocking; I am at the whims of others and at the mercy of the forces in my life that I do not understand. However, whether I understand them or not, I have the recurring experience of discovering that I have more control than I give myself credit for. Creating is not just within my power, it is my responsibility. Even if I don’t take on the responsibility and consciously create, I still create. There is no escaping it. Inaction and inattention have just as much of an impact as action and attention, the difference being that I find myself one step behind and reacting instead of initiating. It is the difference between never knowing what to expect vs. things turning out to be what I expect.

I have realized that all things begin in the time before thought. Everything comes from somewhere. Thoughts seem to be the point of creation, but it begs the question as to where thoughts come from. I can’t say that I know, but I can glimpse that space before thought. Thoughts don’t just happen, we create or choose them from the entire realm of possibility. That space contains or is all things and nothing at all. It is pure consciousness, pure energy.

Reinvention

I am in transition these days. It’s a familiar state, but I find that this time I don’t know what to do. I have known for a while that I have some unfinished business, but I have not really been able to identify much of it, and what I have been able to identify I have been unable to process. As a result, the baggage is getting heavy. Emotions used to come and go; their ebb and flow imbuing me with life, but it seems that in the last little while some things have come and not gone making me heavier and less alive. I decided to look for a therapist. I have known that I should for quite a while but, in the past it has not been an easy process to find someone who knows how to get past talking ‘about’ things to get to the heart of the issue. I don’t know why after 10 years I can no longer do this on my own, but whatever. Maybe there’s something I am just not supposed to do on my own.

So, here I am, lacking a sense of my future self and wondering if that’s why I am stalled. I am also not really sure that I know who I am right now - another good reason to stall out. Have I not been paying attention? Has enough changed to totally disorient me? Is it just my way of telling myself to sort things out before moving ahead in the wrong direction?


Although the state of transition is familiar, I don’t really feel familiar. As much as there are things that I know about myself and I have confidence in my ability to figure things out, I feel as though I don’t really know who I am. My tendency used to be to look for familiar, but that is not only extremely difficult, it means stagnating. In my quest to feel more alive it didn’t really work. In the absence of the familiar, it is easier to reinvent myself. However, in order to do that, things need to change; which things are still to be determined, but there will be change, and with that comes pain. I don’t like it but it doesn’t scare me anymore. I used to think pain was destructive, but once I started paying more attention to the bigger picture, I realized that it was actually transformative. What worries me now is doing it wrong, making bad decisions. Whatever I change about myself will affect all of my relationships. It is not my desire to affect them badly.