Resistance and Integration

I regularly experience resistance, as I am sure we all do. I regularly find myself in or put myself in  challenging situations, so I have fairly well developed skills in managing change, but managing change in day-to-day life is not (at least to me) the same as managing fundamental changes in myself. I can recognize change (at least after a while), but I naturally compartmentalize. Integrating different aspects of myself into a unified whole so that I can, for instance, be known by different people as basically the same person is a challenge. It requires a deliberate act to introduce different aspects of my character to people who may be unaware of what that particular self does in the world, how she thinks, or the types of relationships she prefers. I find myself outside of my comfort zone almost every day. It would certainly be easier to be just one me, but I find that older relationships seem to expect an older version of me…or maybe an older version of me I need to stay the same, so the people who know that me get that me. I don’t exactly know for sure. But back to the point.

I don’t think I have much resistance to changing, but integrating the changes? That certainly seems to be another story. The idea of doing so creates a lot of tension. It seems to me that the tension comes from not being true to myself, and this is a huge energy drain. It’s no wonder I have not been as energetic as I usually am. At the beginning of the summer I set out to integrate. I didn’t know what I was getting into at the time, but it is becoming clearer. I basically need to out myself.