Saturday, December 24, 2011
I have had the sense for a number of months that things are out of balance. As I look for the causes I find that, essentially, I have not been true to myself. I thought I had taken the right path and I thought I was doing the right things. I made very conscious decisions; however, it seems that I did not know everything I needed to know, and now a change of tack is required. It is not my desire to turn my life upside down, nor am I convinced it needs to happen that way, but a shift is taking place that is changing my perception of what’s important. With this change in focus that seems to be taking place, I hope to rediscover balance. In the meantime, I find myself in a bit of a fog most of the time. Where I am headed and what I need to do seems nebulous.
Sometimes clarity comes in a flash. I could be doing anything, or nothing, and I will have a complete experience - of my future, or my full potential - in a fraction of a second (or sometimes a joyous few seconds), with images, a full spectrum of sensations and emotions, as if I am already there. It’s as though my consciousness is telling me about decisions I have already made but am unaware of. Perhaps previous decisions have led me down a path where, at least some of the time, there are no more decisions. Maybe it’s just a view of the inevitable.
Regardless, when it’s been a while since I have had one of those experiences, I end up feeling more than a little rudderless. Patience may be a virtue, but it’s not one of mine, so I do my best to breathe and focus on more immediate needs and responsibilities, to be as aware as possible of what I am doing so that I don’t miss anything or make a huge mistake by doing or not doing something, or being so clued out that my life passes by without my engagement. I passed the first half of my life feeling as though life is something that happened to me. I don’t want that anymore.
I have presented myself with a series of career challenges to see what will happen. I set myself in motion on this path a few years ago with a little faith, and a lot of possibility. Now there is no faith, there is no belief, there is just the path. I take the step forward because there is no other direction. I progress because there is no failure; it’s as simple as that. Of course I don’t always feel this way. On a regular basis, I get caught up in the day-to-day drama of things not going my way, underlying even that, it’s still there.
Today’s post is a journal entry from a year ago. I seem to be in a cycle; these are not the sentiments I held this summer, but every paragraph, except the last, is one I could have written (and probably have rewritten) in the past month. The last paragraph feels like a message from my future self. Although I think I am beginning to find my way (again), I feel no certainty and, although that may be the direction I am headed, it’s the voice of a future self… from the past.
Oh yeah, time doesn’t exist.