Seeking Creates Duality

Reminder: Seeking creates duality. What comes into being is a state of not having versus having. How do I find without seeking? The full realm of potential exists in each moment, so I accept that it already exists and I explore it as fully and consciously as I can. This, in the past, has led to some painful awakenings about myself and the state of my life. There has been some clear and painful contrast between the life I have and the life I want, and I have had to come to terms with these. But there has been clear progression.

Coming to terms with things can be a challenge. It seems to me that it begins with acceptance. When I cannot accept what is, I live in a state of denial, which is that old duality thing again. This can

I cannot always feel the painful heaviness I carry. If I cannot feel it, then does it exist? There are certain things I can do, certain states of mind that bring it about. I have been avoiding them. Knowing I limit myself to my comfort zone bothers me, so I poke around and try to get a sense of the parameters while I discover how to access it and prepare myself psychologically to deal it. More duality; comfort zone versus clearly NOT comfort zone. How do I deal with that? Do I need to find acceptance of this thing that makes me feel everything at once? This THING which is clearly separate from ME. How does that work? I have created so many other conditions of my life, by conscious choice. I understand free will and how it works, whether I am paying attention or not. So here is this Thing. What state of mind was I in when I created it and then hid it away, so I would only be able to see it peripherally under very specific circumstances? And why? What purpose does it serve and of what purpose is its concealment? I did not do it on purpose. It is certainly pre-Purpose. ’t be real because I want it to be xyz, so I will convince myself it IS xyz.

The Time Before Thought

All creation begins at the time before thought! I get it now. I do not know where it comes from, but I get it. I pretty much got it before, but now I understand on another level…less of a concrete, cause and effect kind of understanding.

What exactly is the time before thought? I am not sure; intention perhaps. A combination of energy, light, and direction. For me it is a full body sensation. Not only do I feel it everywhere, I feel complete and as though I can create anything. It is a magical state I feel blessed to experience almost any time I choose.

In the time before thought there is only full potential. A beautiful and sometimes frightening state where I am free to express my thoughts as reality. It is clear to me that the manifestation of a specific reality comes from my thoughts. I can see how I create everything in my life. What you put your energy into multiplies! Our thoughts guide (perhaps dictate is a better word) our actions as well as drawing to us all of the things that fit with what we believe about ourselves and the world. 

I was chatting with a friend a couple of weeks ago about my new job and how much I like it. I was describing my research project and I suddenly realized that I had felt this feeling before. Everything seemed familiar because I created it. I consciously imagined it into existence. It is exactly what I imagined while cycling this summer. The type of work, the feeling I have at work, the environment, the potential I have there is everything I played out in my head a couple of months ago. I have been giggling to myself at my good fortune and quietly waiting for the honeymoon to end, but now I am thinking that maybe it won’t end because that wasn’t part of my plan. This job is either one of a couple of jobs I have been looking for - both in the type of work and the degree of permanence - or it will lead to it. I am working in an area that is in need of creative driven people and I have recently begun networking with a bunch of people who are doing what I am doing or are decision-makers in the field. If this employer does not pan out, I will almost certainly find another through the contacts I am building. It is very exciting to watch things follow a consciously predetermined path.

Anyway, I see I just made it concrete and cause-effect. I will work on language that works…as frustrating as that is.…

Envisioning

Relationships are challenging sometimes. I have had my moments of despair and in the past (relationship) I looked for an out. It was not a good relationship for me and it was necessary for me to leave, but now I am in a not so new relationship and I am looking for another way. I don’t want to look for an out. I don’t want to consider that as an option unless all other options have been exhausted. To help prevent going down that road at all I have changed my approach to my partner and I have chosen to accept her for who she is. Some days I do better at it than others but, in doing so, I envision my future with her. It’s as simple as that. I know that there are always things that piss me off if I look for them. They do not constitute serious issues, but if I spend everyday pissed off, it will be enough to make me wonder what I am doing. So, I don’t bother. I just stopped thinking about life with out her and we are better. She talks a bit more, and we are more connected. Things are far from perfect, but I do not see that those things add up to anything significant. My life with her is good, and perhaps I can make it better.

 It is also possible that I can take the same approach with other elements of my life. I can pursue a formal practice and envision my life with all of the elements that have become important to me; elements that express who I am and relationships that define the person I have become. There is self beyond the ego, but in the day-to-day world, ego is present. Should my life not express that? I confess that I am attached to it, but maybe I can let it go and it will not change fundamentally in quality. I know nothing! But perhaps by taking it slow, I can watch what happens, not get freaked out, and make good decisions along the way. .

I know nothing

I gave up the formal practice of mindfulness to have a 'normal' life.   I learned how to socially engage. I learned how to emotionally engage. I learned that life, as it is, is a combination of little things and that my thoughts and actions now build tomorrow. I know how it works and I can see it in action from day-to-day. It’s a power over my life that I once thought would be magical. Now I have it, it is growing; I see the mechanism, and it is clearly not magic, but it feels like magic still. Insight meditation has changed how I live. Although I gave it up in a formal sense, it permeates my life and is far from gone.

I am clearly being drawn back to a formal practice, perhaps because I have accomplished what I set out to do, and it is simply time to return. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am putting up a lot of resistance. I can focus. I do it from time to time to prove to myself that I can do it, but I don't, as a rule, adopt the sort of focus/commitment it requires. I chose a different path because I was not able to address emotional issues through this process. Now I know that it is possible and that I did not have the right teacher, but the resistance is still there. I ‘think’ I don’t want to give up what I have. I ‘think’ I believe that a formal practice will not enrich my life, but change it back to what it was. I ‘think’ that taking this road will force me to renege on some commitments I have made. I ‘think’ it will change me enough that I will no longer fit into this life that I like and that I spent a lot of time and energy creating. I think a lot, but I know nothing.


My life right now is as good as I thought it could get, and in some ways it is better
 ….and I didn’t really know I could do it. Through trial an error, and collecting little bits of wisdom, I figured it out. I was determined to figure it out, but determination hadn’t gotten me much when I set out on this path, so I don‘t think I really knew I would figure it out. Maybe that‘s why it feels like magic, and sometimes I am truly stunned. Perhaps I need to come to terms with this first.