Monday, May 2, 2011

I know nothing

I gave up the formal practice of mindfulness to have a 'normal' life.   I learned how to socially engage. I learned how to emotionally engage. I learned that life, as it is, is a combination of little things and that my thoughts and actions now build tomorrow. I know how it works and I can see it in action from day-to-day. Its a power over my life that I once thought would be magical. Now I have it, it is growing; I see the mechanism, and it is clearly not magic, but it feels like magic still. Insight meditation has changed how I live. Although I gave it up in a formal sense, it permeates my life and is far from gone.

I am clearly being drawn back to a formal practice, perhaps because I have accomplished what I set out to do, and it is simply time to return. I dont know. What I do know is that I am putting up a lot of resistance. I can focus. I do it from time to time to prove to myself that I can do it, but I don't, as a rule, adopt the sort of focus/commitment it requires. I chose a different path because I was not able to address emotional issues through this process. Now I know that it is possible and that I did not have the right teacher, but the resistance is still there. I think I dont want to give up what I have. I think I believe that a formal practice will not enrich my life, but change it back to what it was. I think that taking this road will force me to renege on some commitments I have made. I think it will change me enough that I will no longer fit into this life that I like and that I spent a lot of time and energy creating. I think a lot, but I know nothing.

My life right now is as good as I thought it could get, and in some ways it is better

 .and I didnt really know I could do it. Through trial an error, and collecting little bits of wisdom, I figured it out. I was determined to figure it out, but determination hadnt gotten me much when I set out on this path, so I dont think I really knew I would figure it out. Maybe thats why it feels like magic, and sometimes I am truly stunned. Perhaps I need to come to terms with this first.

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