Friday, June 24, 2011

Energy Part 2

This spring I was quite drained. The main cells were charged, but the day-to-day cells were consistently empty. I can do this for a while, but I will run into trouble if I keep it up. Fortunately the sun came out a couple of weeks ago and we had some glimpses of summer. Now I have more energy than I know what to do with, and I have to find an outlet. I have started cycling more. I set an objective of 2500km for the season and, even with all the rain and sometimes wind, I am on track to meet my target. I also hope to do some hiking, but I also need a project. My contract ended almost three weeks ago and I have not found something to replace it. I oscillate between wanting the time off and wanting to work. I certainly have the energy to work, so I guess I should get out there and find something. If , when I find something I decide I need more time, I can negotiate my start date. They need to staff the job I had, and I am being considered for it, but time will tell. I would really like for that to happen, but there are not guarantees. I would like a guarantee for a change….

Energy is a funny thing. When I have a lot of it and no obligations, it eats away at me to varying degrees. I work at physical expression, creative expression, career development and trust, but it’s pretty rare that I have all the plates spinning at the same time. I put a lot of energy into keeping the plates spinning. Maybe everybody does. I have realized (again?) in the last week or so, that I really don’t know what life is like for other people. I only ever see the surface…events, activities, disruptions, challenges…. But what goes on under the surface actions, reactions and emotions. Sometimes I feel like the only person who wants to know about that. I am sure I am not, and I can take an educated guess as to why I think that, but for now it is my reality. My questions are sometimes about how I feel and why, but more often my questions are about who I am, why my life seems to be a completely different life when something I perceive as negative happens to me. I wonder why sometimes it affects me deeply enough that, although I remember my ‘other life’, I have not deep connection with it, while other times those events are little more than a ripple on the pond.

I know how to get my other life back; I know how I developed it in the first place, and I know how I maintain it, so I am not worried. However painful this is now - walking the line between functional and not quite depressed - I find myself trying to stay in it, rather than transform it. I keep sensing that I have unfinished business. This is an older self. I wonder if there is something here for me to find. I am also wondering if I need some help. Keep wondering and I keep not looking. I am not willing to make random enquiries, but perhaps if I ask around I can find someone suitable…

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