Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Virtually unruffled

A few weeks ago I lost my job. Not that it is really lost; I know exactly where it is. It’s just not mine anymore.

I was told on the Thursday, rather unceremoniously, that the Friday would be my last day. It sounds worse than it is in reality. It was the end of my contract. I was promised and short extension which would bridge the gap between the end of my contract employment and the beginning of my probable permanent employment. It seemed virtually flawless, but things never are, so here I wait for news one way or the other. The results of the interview have not been published yet and the variables are considerable, thus the quest begins anew. I am a little concerned that economic situation is not the best, but other people find work, so I will just have to be one of them.

A friend told me, when I shared the news, that she admires me. We are in a similar situation in terms of our skills and employment and she finds it quite something that I always manage to have something on the go, I have work when I need it and that my plan A is backed up with plan B and C. She also commented on my ability to overcome obstacles, to not be overcome with discouragement and that I always seem to know what to do. I would like to know more about what she perceives, but it seems simple to me. Putting all my eggs in one basket is NOT a good idea, so I don’t. I have to take care of myself because nobody else is going to do it. I keep suggesting to people that they take care of themselves first because when you don’t things get pretty fucked up. For me there are some things that are not negotiable. If there is something I need to do, I will do it. ‘How’ is somewhat negotiable, and I try to work out the space, particularly with the people in my life, but whether or not I do what I need to do is not negotiable at all…. And the perception of ‘need’ is not open for discussion either. It is my perception. I listen to what others say, particularly because they provide insight into what I have to give up in order to get what I need, but in the end the decision is mine, I don’t make them lightly, I live with my decisions and I apologize for my mistakes.

So, here I am, unemployed again, though I prefer to refer to it as ‘between contracts’ because unemployed always sounds to me like a mix of desperate and destitute. I have done this enough to know that I am neither. Anyway, that Thursday was a bit of a shock to the system. I felt fired. Fired is not a good feeling. But that was the end of the day and by lunch on Friday I had realized that it was not personal, that they still wanted me to fill the position and that this was a glitch. Communication obviously sucks there since both my manager and director looked duly whipped when apologizing to me, but I want the job anyway. I was not mistreated by anyone on my team; they were just the bearers of bad new and were as much surprised by it as I was.

Back to the aforementioned friend (SB) and how I always seem to land on my feet. She has not known me that long, but it has been true for the last 4 years or so. I went from feeling fired on Thursday to kind of sad on Friday to out of sorts on the weekend and then basically okay. I have had the feeling since Friday that this is no big deal. Part of me is upset and worried about the material things like paycheques and bill payments, but most of me is not really affected by this at all. I feel calm and after a short rest and some time to get my priorities in line, I will be back out there to make something happen for myself. The only doubt I have is governmental and budgetary. Perhaps it is going to be harder than I think. I don’t know if this is me understanding what is to come on a deeper level, or if it is a worry that just distracts me from what I need to do. I can’t really do anything about it, so will not focus on what I can do and move forward as if the economy is not an issue. If it turns out to be an issue, at least I will have done everything I could do.  Is this admirable? I just do what I need to do.

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